When really good ideas go really bad
Just in time for the spring mugging season, Taser International has
issued a press release touting two new products. According to the
release, Taser International has unveiled a sporty leopard print Taser
C2 personal protection device and a Taser MPH, or Music Player Holster.
The MPH is a holster designed to hold the C2 Taser combined with a 1GB
MP3 player. To quote the press release, “the MPH allows for both
personal protection and personal music for people on the go.”
"The TASER C2 leopard print design provides a personal protection
option for women who want fashion with a bite," said Rick Smith,
founder and CEO of Taser International. In addition to the leopard
print, other new TASER C2 colors include red-hot red and fashion pink.
If you are like me, your first thought is something like this: “I like
my tunes, and I like sending 20,000,000,000 volts of electricity
surging through bad guys (or PeeWee Herman), so this sounds like a
great idea.”
Your next thought is, “I think I’ll go out and buy my significant other
one of these nifty new C2 Tasers. I want her to be safe from would-be
muggers, I want her to be fashionable, and I especially want her to be
safe from PeeWee Herman.”
Then doubts creep into your mind. You doubt the actual need of a
personal protection device. You doubt the actual effectiveness of a
personal-sized Taser. Finally, you doubt if anyone named PeeWee Herman
has ever made a woman feel unsafe.
After exuberance and doubt, reality begins to set in. You begin to analyze the whole personal protection device issue.
An image of coming in at 2:27 a.m. from a late night “with the boys”,
squinting in the darkness to try to find the bedroom comes to mind. You
are suddenly greeted by the face of a cold-cream covered Attila the Hun
in a worn housecoat, dingy pink fuzzy slippers, hair mounded on top of
her pasty head in giant curlers.
You are frozen in fear by those eyes, those peircing, menacing eyes,
glaring out from beneath the cracked and pasty mask. Cold chills run up
your spine as you notice something you have never seen before at a
moment like this.
That ghastly pasty face is actually smiling.
Attila begins to sway back and forth in a rhythmic manner. As your eyes
become adjusted to the dark, you notice she is wearing headphones.
Attila is listening to some tunes. Maybe it’s not as bad as it first
appeared. She seems to be enjoying herself.
As you follow the chord down to her side, y ou notice the anniversary
present you bought her. It’s the all new Taser holster and music player
combo. But, curiously, the leopard print Taser is missing from the
holster. Where could it be, you wonder?
Her hand slowly comes level, and you see the leopard spots just seconds before you feel the shock.
As your eyes open, the sunlight streaming in through the slit bewteen
the curtains hits your face causing you to close them tightly. Feeling
dazed and disoriented you try to collect your thoughts.
After a moment or two you realize the situation. You are on the living
room floor, drool running down the side of your face in a puddle on the
hardwood floor, and it’s now 6:17 a.m.
Attila is sitting in the easy chair and coming from somewhere deep inside her is a sinister laugh.
The events of last night suddenly rush back into your brain like a runaway locomotive.
It is at this very moment, you think to yourself, “I should have gone to Jared.”
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The state of the State of the Union Address
On Monday, President George W. Bush did the unthinkable. He pre-empted regularly scheduled television programming for the annual “State of the Union” address.
The State of the Union address is a time honored tradition in which the sitting president, who is almost always standing, touts all of the great thing he has done over the past year and what he intends to do this year.
All of this touting is usually entertwined with a variety of verbal assaults on those in congress who chose not to go along with his programs and policies.
All throughout the speech, menacing looking guys with big queue cards stand behind the president and randomly hold up the cards, which are emblazened with one word, “Applause”. Whenever the queue card goon holds up the card, those seated in the audience know to stand up and applaude whatever it is the president has just said.
Most of those gathered do not know what the president has just said because they are all currently involved in their own candidacy as the next president. By last count, only three people in the United States are not currently running for president, including: 91 year old Fetta Mae Belchcroacker from Eugene, Oregon, Arnold Swartzneggar (the Governator is not a natural born citizen) and Bill Clinton (because Hillary told him it was her turn).
This year is President Bush’s last State of the Union address, as he will be shot to death by Dick Cheney on a hunting trip this fall. Cheney will then proclaim himself president, then pardon himself for the killing.
During his speech, Bush asked congress to speedily approve a number of matters now before them.
In addressing the problem with aliens illegally in the United States, President Bush said congress should act swiftly in approving a program that would keep America safe, conform to the laws of the land, and deport anyone found here who is from another planet.
President Bush also spoke on the crisis with Social Security and Medicaire. The President urged congress to come up with a bipartisan solution to the crisis. According to President Bush, either a solution to the problem was found in the near future or he would be forced “to send all seniors and Medicaire recipients to Iran, I mean Iraq”. Bush then apologized for the “Frodo-ian” slip of the tongue.
The largest round of applause the president received during the address was when he said the White House cafeteria would have grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato-basil soup for lunch on Tuesday.
President Bush stated the war in Iraq was progressing thanks to the troop surge. He also cited a need to invaded Uzbekistan but he did not know how to spell it or pronounce it. In his Texas drawl, President Bush said, “It’s awful hard to invade a country when you can’t even find it on a map. If we don’t find it soon, we are going to invade New Orleans instead.”
Speaking of invading New Orleans, President Bush did promise to hold the next Canadian-American-Mexican summit in the crescent city. The President promised to use the summit as a means to explore the more famous landmarks in the city. “I’m looking forward to comparing the French Quarter to the American version of the coin,” said the President.
At the conclusion of the president’s speech, Democrats were allowed to issue a response to the address. Rather than having one of the rank-and-file Democrat leaders of the House or Senate give the rebut, the party instead chose Hillary Clinton to chime in.
Clinton got right to the heart of the matter when she proclaimed, “Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me, vote for me. A vote for me is a vote for Bill, vote for me, vote for me, vote for me.”
Overall, critics say the State of the Union address was a success. President Bush, although considered a lame duck president at this point, appeared to retain his authority while seeming to pass the baton on some issues to those in congress. The President was said to be on-topic, challenging, and he avoided using the word “nuke-u-ler” the entire time.
You’ll have to excuse me for now. I hear there’s a new Mike Huckabee on bass video on YouTube and I’ve got to see it.
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Quantum theory is as simple as A-B-C
In a recent conversation with my future niece, Caitlin, I learned there is a newfangled kind of math out now that does not use numbers. I believe her class is called quantum theory and hogwash, but I could be mistaken.
"If it doesn't use numbers," I asked with a quizzical look similar to the statue of "the Thinker", "what does it use?" I should note that although I had the same expression as "the Thinker", I was not sitting on a rock naked at the time, much to Tyler and Caitlin's relief.
Caitlin said quantum math uses letters rather than numbers.
Using exhaustive research techniques, meaning I went immediately to the internet, I searched extensively for a definition of quantum mathematics.
The closest thing to a definition I found was printed in the American Journal of Economics and Sociology. It states "The holistic approach of quantum theory is investigated as a tool for social economists to analyze and to interpret socioeconomic reality and paradigms."
In layman's terms, this simply means, "A type of math that has no practical use in everyday life and has been inserted in the college curriculum to make the institution's list of courses look impressive."
I looked at a few of the equations found in quantum mathematics and discovered something interesting. Most of the equations look very similar to ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. The equations were filled with giant Greek "E"s and little squiggly lines and mysterious symbols used in plastic secret decoder rings found in cereal boxes. The equations also contained, as stated by Caitlin, a bunch of letters.
I immediately asked Pat and Vana if I could buy a vowel.
Things must have changed a lot since I was in school and learning math. As a matter of fact, when I was in school we thought math started with an "R", along with reading and "riting".
In kindergarten the only math you needed to know was how to count to 10. This is primarily because that was all of the fingers and toes you had. I'm still not sure how many the kid from Deliverance had to count to.
In first grade you began learning simple mathematical calculations such as addition and subtraction. We would learn with real world practical word problems.
The hardest question you might encounter would be "If Johnny had four apples, and he gave one apple to Jane, what is worse than Jane finding a worm in the apple?"
Since the answer is, "Finding a half of a worm", we were now moving into advanced mathematics and fractions.
After mastering addition and subtraction, it was time to learn the multiplication tables. In class, everyone always raised their hands on the "1"s, but very few would volunteer to do, say, the 9s or especially the 12s.
Can anyone explain why the multiplication tables went to 12? You would learn each number's table up to ten, but then you also had to know the 11s and 12s.
I am sure some psycho math teacher was sitting around one day randomly giving "F"s to her students between classes and looked at the clock. The clock's face had 12 numbers, not 10.
A sinister "Grinch-like" smile slowly came across her cragged face and it was then she decided to torture her class by making them remember two more sets of multiplication tables. From there it spread like wildfire from math teacher to math teacher.
Speaking of spreading like wildfire, in middle school the teachers told us we must learn the metric system. Their reasoning was simple. The rest of the world was using the metric system and the U.S. would convert within 10 years.
It has been 33 years and to date, the only metric conversion I am aware of are large cola bottles. The large ones come in one, two and three liter bottles. The smaller ones, however, still measure in ounces. Even cola companies are not completely sold on the idea.
I understand the metric system measures everything in tens. Because of that, everything is supposed to be simpler. The problem is convincing everyone to remember a dekameter is 100 meter and that a hectometer is 100 dekameters and a gigometer records how many times a certain song is played at "gigs" by local bands.
Speaking of gigs, I have yet to play my first "gig" with the bass, because, basically, I would have to find a band that only played Louis Louis (with no wild improvisations).
You will have to excuse me for now. All of this math talk has caused cold chills to run up my spine. I think I'll just wail out a few unrecognizable bars on the four-string and down a 24 ounce Pepsi.+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+= There ain’t no mystery-cheese dust in this stuff, mac When we have family gatherings, one dish in particular is fought over like starving vultures on fresh road kill beside the interstate. That dish would be homemade macaroni and cheese. Elbows will fly and small children will be body-checked by hulking adults if it means getting “your share” of pure melted cheesy bliss. Macaroni and cheese is such an integral part of Americana, so ingrained in our culture, right-wing radical separatists from the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) have added it to the list of essential food groups, replacing vegetables. In the Deep South version of the Food Group Pyramid, macaroni and cheese sits proudly alongside fried chicken, just above sweet tea. There is only one reason macaroni is in this dish. To give the dish a catchy name. Macaroni doesn’t, in itself, bring a lot to the table. It doesn’t have a lot of flavor. The texture isn’t anything to write home about. Macaroni isn’t that exciting to eat by itself. But, without macaroni, the dish would simply be called cheese (not that I couldn’t sit down to a big heaping helping of baked cheese). Do not be fooled. When I use the term macaroni and cheese I am in no way, form, or fashion referring to a small box containing macaroni and an even smaller packet of mystery cheese dust. I have never seen cheese turn to dust so I am not sure where it comes from. I assume mystery cheese dust is what is swept up off the floor after the cheese making process is complete. Real macaroni and cheese is not made from cheese dust. Real macaroni and cheese is made from whole cheese, melted gently in a saucepot with other fresh ingredients. This cheese sauce is then poured over the cooked macaroni in a casserole dish, topped, and baked until it reaches its full cheesy potential. The topping for this casserole can be either more cheese or a bread crumb topping. The latter is by far the best. There is another variety that has surfaced in the past couple of years. My brother Phil likes to bring what he calls “crock pot” macaroni and cheese to family gatherings. As the name suggests, the entire dish is made in a crock pot. I assume you dump everything into the crock, stir it together, put the lid on and return in a couple of hours to a huge lump of cheesy pasta goodness in the shape of a flower pot. I have wondered if the crock could be inverted onto a plate and a tower of macaroni and cheese could be removed like a Jell-o mold. There are other variations to this dish. Supposedly, for reasons still unknown to mankind, some people actually put tomatoes in their macaroni and cheese. I don’t get it either. While employed as the ranch cook at Sweetgrass Ranch near Big Timber, Mt., we quite often served macaroni and cheese as the main course for lunch. I would add elk salami to one dish, diced ham to one dish, and the third would be plain. All three would be devoured without complaint. Macaroni and cheese has been known to make or break a relationship. A former girlfriend once attempted to entice me with her mac ’n cheesy wiles. While I was patiently sitting in the living room watching television, she was busy in the kitchen preparing what I thought was to be total molten cheese heaven. She suddenly entered the living room with a disturbed look on her face. “Why isn’t my macaroni and cheese coming out right?” she asked. “I don’t know,” I replied in a worried tone. I followed her into the kitchen and find, to my horror, an empty cardboard box and an empty mystery cheese dust packet. There floating in a pot of lukewarm milk and water was uncooked macaroni and deformed lumps of mystery cheese dust.. She had read the list of ingredients yet failed to read any of the instructions on how to prepare the dish. We went out for dinner that night. Needless to say, the relationship ended a short time later. You will have to excuse me for now. A friend by the name of Cathy Gregor has sent a recipe for macaroni and cheese which uses eight different types of cheese totaling 12.5 cups. I wonder if it’s possible to O.D. on cheese?
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Once upon a time, in a land not too far awayThe U.S. Government has a funny way of enacting and enforcing laws. The basic idea that seems to permeate the minds of many legislators is this: If we aren’t enforcing the current laws on the books, then we need to change them so fewer people are breaking the law.
To illustrate this point, I now present you with the first installment of “Uncle Mark’s Fairy Tales”.
Harry Potter and the Enchanted Bank Robbery
(The legal department interrupts this fairy tale to inform readers at no point did Harry Potter ever rob a bank and has never been implicated in any bank robberies, whether real or fictional. This column actually has nothing to do with Harry Potter. With the new Harry Potter movie coming out in a week and the final book of the series due out a couple of weeks later, we decided to cash in on all of the mass hysteria.)
Once upon a time in a small little village (not Hogsmeade) there lived a bank robber (whose name was not Harry Potter). He walked into a bank (not likely to have been Gringotts), waved a weapon (not a magic wand) around and asked the teller to fill a sack (not a magic pouch) full of money. Once the bag was full, the bank robber (whose name was still not Harry Potter) somehow fled (but not on a Nimbus 2000 broom) from the scene and escaped (not to Hogwarts).
All of the townspeople demanded the bank robber (who is definitely not Harry Potter) be arrested, tried, and punished, but nothing happened. Since nothing happened to him, other people (not Muggles) began robbing banks. In fact, 12 million people (I guess they could be Muggles) decided to rob a bank.
The constable (who is not Rubeus Hagrid) was busy performing safety belt checks (not hatching dragon eggs) and didn’t bother to do anything about the bank robber (not Harry Potter) or any other people (or Muggles) who robbed banks. Although everyone knew the robber by his unmistakable birthmark (not a lightning bolt), the robber continued to go about as he pleased without fear of arrest or prosecution.
The legislators (not the Ministry of Magic officials) were alarmed and they all agreed something must be done. The problem was, they couldn’t make up their minds what to do.
“Bank robbery is the scourge of our generation!” shouted one side. “Those (not Hogwarts denizens) who are responsible for robbing banks must be rounded up, tried, and then hung by the neck until dead at a public execution. This is the only way to stop bank robbery.”
“If we prosecute all of the bank robbers (probably not Muggles), the economy will suffer because all of the money they are putting into it will be lost. Innocent children will also suffer because the primary breadwinner (not Quidditch champion) will be unable to provide for his family,” cried the other side. “We have no choice but to pardon all of the bank robbers (then again, they may be Muggles).”
For years, congress (undoubtedly not the Ministry of Magic officials) debated on how to solve the bank robbery crisis, all the time doing nothing. Law enforcement officials (none of them being Rubeus Hagrid) continued to ignore the crime which had reached epidemic proportions and focused on safety belt checks (rather than hatching dragon eggs). All the time, the problem of bank robbery grew worse and worse.
“Why don’t we just make banks more secure and enforce the laws we currently have concerning bank robbery?” asked one person (not Hermione Granger). Although logical, no one seemed to have an answer for that question.
Eventually, everyone (not members of the houses of Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin) came to their senses and worked together to put an end to bank robbery without giving those already guilty a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card. Once the bank robbers (definitely not Harry Potter) had abided by the law, they were welcomed back into the community (which was not Little Hangleton) and everyone lived happily ever after.
Wouldn’t it be interesting if we started the fairy tale over, but changed all of the references? It would probably go something like this:
Once upon a time in America, there was an illegal immigrant…
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